How does child maintenance impact on child's future?
Can't lie, I was jealous as any other older kid would be having younger brother or sister getting more attention. But it was not just an attention, I've been feeling sad not having my own father, I've been feeling like I'm less person and not deserved to be happy or not deserved to have my place in a happy family. That time I always heard complains from my mom about my real father don't provide enough for child maintenance. Later on, she has been saying he stop child maintenance at all.
I think honestly child maintenance is not just about paying the bill each month, simple show up time to time, play together, teach and learn things or whatever time spent together is also a part of child maintenance. But not by law. By law, only money is necessary as child support.
At age of 12, I didn't expect presents from my father anymore and I saw him like once a year, every time we just sit inside his car just for few minutes. Every time I had millions of things to share with him, but very limited time. Sadly when I try to share it, I always had felt rejection, disinterest and I had him laughing at me, but he was doing it in a negative way. At that period of my life, my main "child maintenance" was coming from my grandmothers and grandfathers. Each summer I've been sent to them for entire summer each year.
At the age of 16, I ask my mom to let me stay in the apartment that she had available near to my school and university I was thinking to go. At begging she let me stay there alone 1-2 nights a week. Quickly I stop coming back to my mom's house for good... She was delivering some food to me (cooked and prepared to eat) every day almost, as well as giving me money and paying bills for the apartment. I've been studying in high school at the time. So my mom was always doing child maintenance very good even spoil in some ways. I remember being this age having a last "teenager to father" conversation... It was just like usual, quick meeting in his car, listening negativity and pessimism from him about everything. Just like any other time, I knew this meeting will be quick. I've been preparing a list of my ideas for him. I had 16 ideas what business I want to start (at that time). All of them I still think was pretty realistic(low investment, low experience or effort). For instance: one of them was opening a computer club, like Internet cafe style. At that time (it was almost 20 years ago) it was not a bad idea at all and I saw many successful cases even in the same city. So what happens when I began to tell him my ideas? Well, he is so negative, I could not finish reading even. He laughs at each with saying something like: "why you think you can compete with others?" "this business is to hard you can't do it" "you need to focus on school, the way you study you can only be a housekeeper in future or prostitute" (the last one was an exact word he said, but in another language to me). That is why I could not even finish reading for him, what I was preparing for our meeting for weeks! At that time I started to believe him that I'm not special at all and that I probably can't achieve anything with my skills and my body. In terms of child maintenance, sometimes I think few words could be more important than few thousands of dollars worth of child maintenance. I can't remember 99% of the meals I had because simply it was too many meals to remember. It was not as many words from my father, so it was much easier to remember those.
At age of 18, my father finally stops worry about court calls him about child maintenance. I was going to USA. The plan was to go to the USA just for 3 months... I ask my father $1000 to give so in the USA I will have some money before I get first to paycheck. As you guessed he refused to help (he had 7 apartments and 2 houses at that time from my grandfather so he had $1000 and much more to give). As a result, I went to the USA with a little short on budget. My ticket and visa have been paid by stepfather as well as money in my pocket were also from him.
Don't get me wrong when I say in most cases false of child maintenance it's actually the best thing can happen to the child... I saw similar cases in different countries, where religion is different, moral is different, but the outcome of false child maintenance it seems to be same. Many successful entrepreneurs come from this route. A simple reason for this is the necessity of being able to take care your self when no one else can for you.
I begin to work at 17 years old, but because my mom still pays my bills at the time I was still kind of lazy to make enough to take care myself fully.
When I arrive the USA without much money, without be able to speak English(!!!), without degree or group of people and so on - it was really tough. What helps me a lot is I decided to never ask my mom money again and refuse if she ever offers, from the moment I left Russia.
First year in the USA, working in worst jobs you can imagine (I changed lots of jobs during this year) I began first business with my ex-business partner Ivan Polyakov. We have been doing remodeling business in Miami for multimillionaires only. Later on, I started TV mounting company (that was 2008-2009), as well as eBay, Craigslist and other stuff I was doing. From that time till now I'm selfed made businessman from my own sweat and pain. I'm glad my father didn't do child maintenance for me because it made much stronger. Honestly, I'm the strongest person I know. I had over 18 businesses, few of them still up at the moment and growing.
Being a son of an asshole, and getting so much strength from it made realize I'm glad it happened. I realize this many years ago actually. I didn't a very happy childhood, but I'm a very happy adult now and every day my mood is very positive. It made me stronger, but I don't believe this is the only way! I would not want to be a father like this myself. I've learned a lot from my father, what kind of father I should not be. Actually, the only things I learned from him is what not to do, what kind of dad not to be. Child maintenance in every case is a unique situation and unique impact on kids.
As for child maintenance specifically, I remember only one moment in my life when my parents were together. I remember me, my mom and father come to a neighbor who had a son of the same age as me. That day some lady come to the same place and offered all of us special woolen shoes for boys. Neighbor's parents buy for this boy, my father refused to buy. Later the same boy got the electric toy car to drive outside, of course, my father refused. It might seem like insignificant for many people. But this in my memory for over 25 years now and I can't forget that even something very small I could not get from my father.
For this object could be two points of view as a parent. If you spoil too much it might be very dangerous in future when kid to spoiled. In same time if parents don't buy and don't allow anything there is also dangerous future. How can parents decide where is the decency line? This question is still bothering me and of course, the best way is to consider each case separately. Child maintenance directly impacts your kid personality that is the fact tested by me.
Advice: child maintenance for the kid is not only the money. Most people don't have much spare time to spend with a kid, especially if living separately. I honestly think it is not about how many hours and minutes you spent, but HOW you spent it. Conversations with a child also not about timing, but about things said and though. Sometimes just a two or three words can change whole life of your kid and anyone can do that. Child maintenance is required by law, there is no question you should or not to help, you must help. A parent who live separate and provide child maintenance money, should also give some positivity and hope to the child in my opinion, as well as valuable advice that really changed the life of that parent.
Examples I saw of other people, mostly proving my point. I saw fathers providing a lot of money for child maintenance, guess what, those kids are often depending on papa's money even when they are 20 or 30 years old etc. Why is that? I think a kid getting used to that money come from the father, not from work. These kids often become addict to drugs (have money, but always alone and feeling lonely). Often they lose parents money in car accidents or worse. But at the same time, I saw cases where the father was rich and kid by proving father he is also worth he doing his own business too.
